


I Drink To Forget (But I Always Remember)

by Pokeperson01



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Heavy Drinking, Hurt Roy Mustang, Hurt/Comfort, Maes out here comin in clutch, Pre-State Alchemist Ed, Roy drinks to forget but he always remembers, Some angst, small amount of comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:35:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28802157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pokeperson01/pseuds/Pokeperson01
Summary: After meeting the Elric brothers in Resembol for the first time, Roy gets in his head about what happened, bringing on guilt, old memories, and some (heavy) drinking. Luckily, Maes has a sixth sense.
Relationships: Maes Hughes & Roy Mustang
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18
Collections: Secret Snipers Exchange 2020





	I Drink To Forget (But I Always Remember)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lilituism](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilituism/gifts).



Roy stared at his glass, eye blurring as he tried to remember what number he was on. Was it the fifth, sixth? Either way half the bottle of Bourbon was gone but the memories of the Elric boy’s home were still forefront in his mind. The blood, so much blood, even for his jaded mind, the missing body parts of a boy not even 10. It brought back memories of Ishval. The screams, the smell, the innocents. Roy takes another swig, finishing off the glass. Eyes focus momentarily for him to pour himself another glass before setting it down.

Roy ground the heel of his palms into his eyes before any tears spilled out. He could feel them coming. He could not let them fall. Letting them fall meant he felt something for the boys. The boys that committed the ultimate taboo, the boys who somehow beat the odds and survived, not in the best shape, but survived to tell about it nonetheless. The boys that have no living immediate family to turn to, so he offered the cold heart and hand of the military instead. The boys that he would have to send on assignments that might ultimately put them back in the hands of Truth before they should be there. Roy might not be a father but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have fatherly instincts. Maes loves to point that out.

Sitting back, he closed his eyes and leaned it head against the back of the chair. The fire really did feel warm, adding to the effects of the alcohol. Despite both, his heart still felt chilled, most likely from how he put his career before the lives of two children that are just looking for some hope. Grabbing the glass he held it up to the fire and gave it a swirl, watching the shine from amber becoming a lighter color as it spun in the flames. The smell of blood and sulfur invaded his nose causing him to gag. He downed the glass before he could throw up. Not the best idea but the one that would cause his body to feel just as bad as his mind thought it should. He debated calling Maes, he would know what to say, but he did not want to end the suffering just yet. He deserved this, he deserves to feel shitty because he knows that he will be putting the lives of two boys not even in their teens in just as much danger as they put themselves in. He should have walked away but his temper got the best of him.

Stepping into the basement brought back memories of his own. He grips his left arm as it twines in pain. The automail twitching with the nerves firing at the memories. He couldn’t stop the kids from activating the circle but he could support them going forward. The pain, the hurt, the loss is real and wallowing it forever is not going to help. Giving Ed something to work towards, something to help him channel the energy is for the best. Roy knows what it's like to become a human weapon, he has the automail to prove it, but that doesn’t mean he wants the child to go through it too. Unfortunately it was too late. Ed looked determined, had a fire behind his eyes, and that was when Roy knew he put the boy in the line of fire, even if he couldn’t see it just yet.

Forgoing the glass, he took a swig straight from the bottle this time. Roy did this, Roy made the boys’ life more dangerous than it already was, Roy is now responsible for the child. He wasn’t Maes, he did not want kids. He couldn’t handle the responsibility. It was too late to back out now. He had to move forward, he had to actually help the brat now. The attachment was already starting and it was going to make it worse going forward. He focused his eyes to stare at the bottle, not missing the feel of wetness as his eyes squinted. Not even a quarter of the bottle left. When did he get that far in? Meas was gonna kill him once he found out. No way he wouldn’t, since he somehow knew when Roy was at the bottom of the bottle. He mulled it over in his head, foggy was an understatement, and decided that finishing it would have the same outcome with Maes but more immediate body side effects that would accompany his misery. Roy didn’t feel sorry for himself, he knew he deserved it. He knew that this was his punishment and he was more than willing to entertain it. Maes would say otherwise but that was Maes, he dealt with his guilt in another way.

He looked down, when did he take his uniform jacket off? He didn’t even take off his boots once he got home, just grabbed a random bottle and started the fire before collapsing into the chair, letting the guilt wash over himself. He looked farther down, when did he kick off his boots? What time was it? He glanced at the clock but couldn’t force his eyes to focus. It wasn’t important. If the sun was not screaming at him just yet then it was still time to drink. He debated grabbing another bottle but settled for finishing this one for now. He knew making scenarios will only make it worse so he shut down that train of thought. He debated calling Hawkeye but knew she would be handling this whole situation in her own way.

Neither of them were expected to be into command tomorrow, which was a plus for Roy. He had an extra day to wallow in his decisions and clear his head before going back into the snake pit. He took another swig, his mouth and throat numb to the taste now. He wished it wasn’t, he wanted the bitter feeling as it slid down his throat. He wanted the burning sensation of his liquid guilt. The manifestation of his mental state into an object that was able to inflict pain.

He took a swig, killing the bottle. He dropped it on the floor, annoyed that the bottle had the audacity to be empty. Maybe he should grab another. Maes wasn’t in the East to know at the moment and he doubted that Maes would know what was happening in Roy’s life at every given moment. Well, at this given moment.

Ring, ring, ring

And just like that Roy jinxed himself. Of course Maes knew that Roy was at the bottom of a bottle. He always did. He glared at the phone but made no move to get up, he just wanted to wallow. The phone stopped ringing and didn’t start up again. Roy breathed a sigh of relief. Roy stared at the gloved hands before pulling them both off, each glove revealing a different color. Throwing any pretense of caring about his health out the window, he got up and grabbed a new bottle, this one a clear color but he couldn’t read the label. He stumbled back to the chair but just before he could make it the phone started ringing again. He weighed his options before turning around and stumbling to the phone. He breathed once, twice, three times before picking it up and muttering a rough hello before coughing. When did his throat become so scratchy? He sounded like he had been crying for hours. Honestly he might have been for all he knows. He cleared his throat and tried again.

“Hello?”

“Roy?” Roy breathed and closed his eyes, of course it was Maes, why did he expect any different?

“Maes, it’s,” he squinted at the clock but still couldn’t make it out, “what time is it?”

Now it was Maes turn to breath out, “It's 3am Roy. How much have you drank?”

“Not enough if it is only 3am.”

“Roy, how much have you had to drink.”

Roy debated underselling it but knew Maes would figure it out eventually, “A single bottle.”

“Mmmmm.”

Both went silent for a minute before Roy spoke up, “How did you know?”

“Does it matter?”

Both went silent. It was true, it didn’t matter how Maes knew, it only mattered that he did.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Roy stayed silent, mulling over his thoughts. Did he want to tell Maes? He knew that there would be no judgement, no lashing, no harshness since Maes knew that Roy has been giving himself more than enough for the both of them. Roy collapsed to the floor tears falling from his eyes in speeds that even Roy did not know tears fell at “I messed up, Maes, I really really messed up with this one.”

“Oh, Roy, tell me all about it. We will figure it out just like we always have.”

And with that sentence alone, Roy knew everything would be okay. Maybe not the best but it would be okay. Maes had his back, Riza had his side, and forward was the only way to move. Maybe he could of gone about the whole situation differently but what was done was done and there was no looking back now. Tears fell harder as and Roy's heart felt warmer as Maes talked. It was far from over but he wasn’t alone anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a Secret Snipers gift for Lilituism! 
> 
> Thanks for being such a good friend in S4S!


End file.
